Read Her Deepest Thoughts
by GilmoreJunkieJavaGirls
Summary: Lorelai gives Luke her diary. He has to understand who she is, and how she did become that way. Maybe they will be able to make up. They’re not together never been. Doesn’t set in a particular season
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Lorelai gives Luke her diary. He has to understand who she is, and how she becomes. Maybe they will be able to make up. (They're not together; never been. Doesn't set in a particular season)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything, and you all know it, so I don't have to spill more words about this subject.

**Author's Note: **This is exactly the same idea as the earlier version, but I changed a few things, like the date. I've changed the POV back, so please review and say if you like it. Thanks!

* * *

**Chapter 1**

I saw her walk to the diner. She looks like she's coming in. Nope, she went off. And there see is again. That's the third time she wants to come in. She drives me crazy. She looks stunning, as always, and she has that desperate, but pretty, look on her face. And she carries a book. Has Rory get her so far that she takes books with her? Oh look, she's coming in. Okay, I'm calm. What the hell does she want? I haven't seen her in two weeks or something like that.

"Hi?"

"Lorelai… Hi", yeah strong Danes, good reply.

"I know we have a thing going on here, but I have something for you. There's a letter included. Read it. I hope you'll understand why I'm me. Bye"

"B-b-bye."

What the hell? She left me a book. Damned, it's a diary! What is this about? Its 9.30 PM, and I have no customers. I'll just close up and find out where this is about.

Ten minutes later I'm upstairs. I sit down and take her letter. First thing to notice: it's a short letter.

"_Dear Luke,_

_First thing I want you to know: I'm scared as hell right now. I'm about to let you in my mind, and nobody's ever been there. But it's necessary if you want to understand me. The book I gave you is my diary. Shocking right: I'm keeping a diary. Don't mock me. I started it when I was 15. So understand: it's a lot of puberty-things going on there. So for the first part: just keep thinking it was a confusing time for a teenager. And for the later part: please don't freak out. I can act if nothing's going on, because I did that (as you probably will read) for a long time now. It all makes sense later after you read it._

_Love, Lorelai" _

Getting to read someone's diary? With permission? Not a very usual thing. Actually I feel kind of bad how nosy I am, was there a Ms. Patty on the inside of me? Creepy thought. But after all: I live my whole life in Stars Hollow. And I really want to 'meet' the teenage Lorelai. It all make sense, I mean: she's my friend, or was anyway. If it depends on me: we ARE friends. And I thing the gesture of her diary send me the note that she wants to be friends to.

The last part of her letter is kind of vague. Like she said: I'll probably must read her diary before I'll get it. Or at least, I hope I'll get it, 'cause if Lorelais diary is written in the same way as she talks, I won't get it. I'll just open the book: knowing that a 15-year old Lorelai has write this. Sounds interesting.

_January 10, 1983_

_Dear Diary,_

_Yay I have a diary! First things first, this is gonna be the only time that I start a story with 'dear diary', cause that is sooo wrong. Maybe I must name you, like Anne Frank did. But that wouldn't be original. I think I'm not gonna write to a book, but to myself. They say it can help to clear your head if you write it down. Clear my head would be soooo nice right now. My parents have that big party going on downstairs. So boring. And there are no cute boys, and I ask you: what's the point of a boring party without hunky boys? _

_Oh, note to myself if I read this back (properly if I'm old, grey and forgetful or something), right now I'm fifteen years old, I'm at my bedroom where I just kicked that stupid (however, I do like it. I mean, it's the thing I wanted when I was seven, and dad have giving it to me!) dollhouse where I was never aloud to play with when I was younger, and downstairs are like thousand old, boring, cold people, who don't want anything more than trick each other in filthy businesses. Just like my parents. If I'll ever forget why I don't like them: they're the people who where never home when I grew up. I always had a Nanny around, and at least every month an other. They're the people who can't keep a maid around. And if I want to talk to someone I'm not aloud to talk to a maid, or the gardener or whoever is our employer. They're the people who said to me at my eight birthday "happy seventh birthday, Lorelai". Surprisingly they remembered my name. And the last example, these are the people who caught me making out with Matthew Fudger and called his parents. And yes, I know it's a long time ago but I'm so never gonna forgive them, even after three years he still won't look at me in the eye. And they don't trust me with any boy. What do they think I'm doing? (And yes, I'm totally aware of what they think I'm doing.) But they have to understand that if I want to have sex with someone I'm gonna do that. If they like it or not. I can make an important decision on my own. _

_Well, I guess that's enough of a mind-refresher why I don't like my parents._

_Mom just yelled at me for the forth time that I have to come downstairs because "it's not appropriate to leave a party your hosting". Like I'm hosting it. Like someone would really miss me? Sometimes I wondering as if I run away my parents would care. Maybe one day I'm gonna find it out._

_Love, Lorelai._

Geez, the teenage Lorelai is a mess. And her parents does sound like hell. The look on her face after caught making out with some boy was probably worth a picture. She must have got a hard time. By the way, twelve? She sure get along with boys early. I already figured that. Wooh wait! Did I think about that kind of things? What is this; 'Meet a whole new side of Luke Danes' or something?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary:** Lorelai gives Luke her diary. He has to understand who she is, and how she becomes. Maybe they will be able to make up. (They're not together; never been. Doesn't set in a particular season)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything, and you all know it, so I don't have to spill more words about this subject.

**Author's Note: **Chapter 2! The next chapter(s) are coming really fast.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

After that first page, I found myself leaf trough the diary to see how much she wrote in it. The first page was dated in 1983, the last just a week ago. After that last page is a envelope with a few pictures inside. One is unmistakably Lorelai with a beautiful smile and another is Lorelai with a funny face and a weird cap. '_Lorelai, 1983'_ is written on the back. There is a picture of Lorelai and (a younger, but still very Emily and Richard-like) her parents. The description is just '1978'. When I have a daughter like Lorelai, I would be proud at her. Give her Barbie dolls. I bet Richard didn't do that. They blow their relationship with Lorelai to hell. Of course, I know Lorelai wasn't such a angel like Rory is. Maybe I would prefer a daughter like Rory a little bit more than a uncontrolled one like Lorelai was. But I would love to have Lorelai too. Or better: a child with Lorelai. STOP! You do it again! I'm not a child-person. They have always jam-hands.

More pictures: one is of Lorelai and Rory (I figure the newborn baby is Rory, because Lorelai is wearing a nightgown and it looks like she's in a hospital bed). Then, and my heart skips just a little bit, one of Lorelai and Christopher, kissing, in what seems a photo-cabin. And one where they are both looking at the zoom and sticking out their tongues. And another where Lorelai is giving Christopher a kiss on his nose. On the back written in a heart is, "Chris and Lorelai '83". They look so happy, like they could handle the whole world. Well, looking at it make me sick, and there's a lot of reading to do. Page two it is.

_July 13, 1983_

_I can never see him again. And with 'him' I mean Benny Coster. I can explain why, after I had write my diary story earlier I went back downstairs. Well, surprisingly there was a boy a couple years older than me, and he seemed so nice, so after a little talk (he was slightly drunk but I couldn't blame him for it, after all, it was the only way to survive this party) we went for a walk and ended up at the poolhouse. There he was very annoying and really scary. He kissed me and when I pushed him away he took my wrists and began to push me against the wall, I was scared to death of this guy. But when he was about to pull at the hem of my shirt there was my hero, Christopher. He will laugh his ass of if he knew that I called him that, but he is my hero. He screamed to Benny to that he must "fuck up" and bolt, or otherwise he'd wish he was dead. They say drunk people are cowards, and so was Benny. I started to cry and Chris comforted me. We're friends since, well, ever it seems, but I guess we were 10. He lives just one street behind us. It's very confusing though, I really like him. I know he will never do something against my wishes like Benny did. I'm really gonna stop saying that name by the way, cause every time I want to start cry and enough tears all spilled for him. _

_While I've written the piece behind this I've make a decision: I'm gonna kiss Chris. Maybe I'll ruin something that was good, but I can't live without trying I guess. I hope he'll like me just as much as I like him. _

_Weird by the way: my dreamboy is big, strong, tall and kind of closed and a mystery. Chris however is certainly not closed and a mystery, and not big and strong either. But still, he's cute. And tall. I'll just kiss Chris to see what is would be like. Maybe, tomorrow at school, I'll dare to do it. Maybe. _

Wow, this is odd! I'm starting to like Christopher, just because he saved Lorelai. I would NEVER hurt Lorelai like that. That kissing-part however. Hold it! It's Lorelai remember? Beautiful Lorelai. Even at the age of fifteen she's beautiful, just like Rory is. And I don't have feelings for Rory, other than maybe a little bit father-like feelings, so I don't have feelings for Lorelai either.

_July 18, 1983_

_I did it! It was after school in the parking lot of the AM/PM and I just walked right up and kissed him. And then I tell him: "I just wanna know what it would be like." And it was great! Not so that my foot pops but still, great. Chris was sooo shy, that was cute. He said he would come by in one hour, so that is about ten minutes. I'm a little nervous, so I think I'll just babble on, and then he wouldn't have to say anything. But now I'm gonna check how I look. I think I'll write something when he's gone!_

_July 18, 1983 (sequel)_

_Lorelai Hayden? Lorelai Gilmore-Hayden? Mrs. Christopher Hayden? Sounds wrong, but the thought is good. He's so adorable! He said that he had a crush on me for two years already or something! My only question then is, why did he make out with all those thousand girls earlier? Well, whatever, no big deal, 'cause I'm with him! _

_When Chris was here, we talked first - a little. About if we were a couple now ("Yes!") and how are we gonna act at school. ("Like a normal couple will do, duh!"). And then we kissed a little - or much - and it all feels great. Like shivers when tongues met, you know! He'll be here tomorrow evening, we're going to the coolest club (Velvet), so I hope they will let us in with our fake ID's. But its kind of late now, so I'm heading for bed, dreaming about Christopher._

Wow, she's madly in love. You know, screw it! Yes I admit it: I'm jealous at Christopher! Yes townspeople, I LIKE LORELAI! I just have to make sure the townspeople don't know that. You know: she's right. Confirm something - if its in a diary or just in your head - is a relief.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary:** Lorelai gives Luke her diary. He has to understand who she is, and how she becomes. Maybe they will be able to make up. (They're not together; never been. Doesn't set in a particular season)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything, and you all know it, so I don't have to spill more words about this subject.

**Author's Note:** Chapter 3! I want to go to the more recent time, but at the same time I want to give a full time pad. I think that chapter 5 is when Rory's born. I have this plan that gets you trough the actually episodes in Gilmore Girls, but before that Rory have to be 16, so I'll just wait a few chapters.

Anyway, thanks everybody for reviewing and I hope you'll like this chapter!

**Thanks** to my Laura who corrected my story, so you can read it without to many stupid faults!

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**Chapter 3**

_January 26, 1983_

_It's been a while since I wrote here! That's just because things are good. School's fine, Chris is fine, Emily and Richard are, well, not fine but what's new? So I just don't have anything to say. Well, except that Emily and Richard found out about Chris and me, and there "thrilled" about my choice. Yuk, to bad that I've been falling for a guy that they like. Sweet Lorelai and good Christopher. Well as long as they don't know what happens behind closed doors it's fine by me. Actually, nothing big happens behind closed doors, we're just kissing a little bit. However, he's a little braver lately: his hands once were close to my breasts! Ough, that must sound bad when I will read this back after years. But I just like it when he's touching me, makes me feel lucky that I have somebody who wants to touch me. And not a creep like Benny or something._

_Oh, I almost forgot about this: yesterday my parents had been called to the principal, who said that I was in the top 3 of the class. I personally think that's quite good (damn, I just said 'quite') when you're talking about 150 students, but all my dad said was, and I quote: "Well done". And all my mother said was: "Patricia Dine ended higher on the list". Can't they just be proud of me, just like other parents? I swear, if I didn't have Christopher I would be so out of here! _

_Speaking of Christopher, yesterday after school we made plans to go to Europe when we're done with High School. He's sleeping on a bench outside in Paris and I'm sleeping in a hotel. Good arrangement I think! And then we made out on the very expensive sofa in the living room, after celebrating no more mid-terms with dad's scotch, vodka and gin (with a cherry in it!)._

_Tonight my parents are hosting a party, again. I'm sure with very boring people, but the good thing is that Strobe and Francine are coming, so Chris will be here too! _

Geez, who the hell reacts like Emily and Richard when your kid is in the top 3 of her class? And wow: Lorelai was good in school! And she was (and is) beautiful. She also had a popular boyfriend. She just had everything somebody could want, except for the parents. And the life-style. I'm so not worth her, I sucked at school, I haven't really dated since my high-school girlfriend and I will never be a supermodel or a actor. I'm just Luke. Man, this sucks!

_January 27, 1983_

_Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD. Okay, if I would tell my parents this the pissing off part would succeed! I slept with Christopher. I slept with Christopher on the balcony of my house! Thank god nobody catched us. It was good though. Not perfect, not mind-blowing, just good. I had the idea he'd enjoyed it more than I did, but I don't care. They say (I don't know who the 'they' are, but I heard it somewhere) that the second and third and every single time after your first time is better, less painful. We'll see. I'm still processing, it happened so quick. One minute we were kissing, and then everything got heated. (And yes, that happened before, but now we didn't stop. Must have been the alcohol or something.) Anyway, before I knew it (less then 10 minutes, that's for sure) I was refreshing my lipstick after I finished putting my clothes on._

_I don't think anybody noticed that we were gone. Good! As much as I want to piss of my parents, this is something private, and it's none of their business. _

_Tomorrow I'll see Christopher again, I'm just afraid things have changed after yesterday night. That he has gotten enough of me. Cross my fingers and hope for not. _

Damn, go away visual! Hmm, 10 minutes. I'm better in bed! Oh geez, come on, the boy was sixteen, you didn't do more than kissing then Danes! This is pathetic, I'm not going to compare myself with Christopher! Christopher's not here, but I am!

_February 16, 1983_

_And here I am, again. I haven't written for a long time, because everything was normal. I read that I was worried that everything was gonna change after I slept with Chris. Thank god it didn't! We're going out a lot, or just hang (etcetera) in his or my room. Sex is better after the first time, however it's not like in movies. I don't think many people have the luck to have sex like in movies._

_But like I said: things are normal. But I'm scared. Very scared. Chris is saying things like "your perfect", but I'm not. I'm so not-perfect as can be. And I'm afraid he doesn't see the real me. Behind all the funny and quick answers. He doesn't seem to see that it hurts like hell when my parents are saying something mean to me. I'm keeping strong, but he doesn't see the tears. And I'm not letting him see them, that is something I have to admit. And the last thing: I'm afraid that one night he will wake up and sees it: I'm not perfect, and then he'll go look for another girl. And I can't blame him for it. _

_Maybe it's just better to end things with him here, before we both get hurt. Maybe. I'll just think about it._

Wow, she's afraid to commit! Is this the same situation as it was with Max? If I remember correctly she broke up with him for the first time around January 2001. Maybe she has written about it?

_January 14, 2001_

"_Why don't we invite Max to come along with us?" said Rory. Woooo wait how has this happened? Max is now Max, and no longer Mr. Medina. She's getting attached to him, but she can't! One day Max will see that I'm not worth his love, and then he's leaving me. Rory gets hurt, I get hurt, even he gets hurt, because his time is ruined by me. I can't do that. I have to break it off! I'll see him on parent's day at Chilton and there I'll give him his book back. I hope he'll get the hint. _

Yeah, she's afraid to commit. Maybe, because I know her so well, it'll be different? "I know you're not perfect, but I still love you. And I'll love you no matter what!". Sound sappy. Too sappy? Well, I have time to think about it, I just want to keep reading. It's just eleven o'clock. I just have to do one thing. So I'll take the phone and I'll dial a familiar number.

"Ceasar? Luke here. Hey, can you open up tomorrow? I don't know how late I'll be there. Maybe I won't come the whole day, 'cause Lane's helping too. Yes? Okay, thank you! I'll pay you extra! Thanks again, bye!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary:** Lorelai gives Luke her diary. He has to understand who she is, and how she becomes. Maybe they will be able to make up. (They're not together; never been. Doesn't set in a particular season)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything, and you all know it, so I don't have to spill more words about this subject.

**Thanks** to my Laura who corrected my story, so you can read it without to many stupid faults!

**Author's Note:** And there it is: chapter 4. Thanks to everybody for the reviews, and well, I know my grammar is very, very bad. The point is: I can't do anything except to send it to a beta, which I did. I hope the most of you can read threw it and just enjoy the story-line. But if anyone feels very bored and want to correct the whole story, please do! Then I'll just repost my story.

By the way, I don't reallylike my story right now, so I don't now when I'm gonna update. Anyone some good ideas for my story? Oh one thing: Chris is mean this chapter, but he'll come around.

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**Chapter 4**

_March 16, 1983_

_I feel like life's ending today. Yesterday: everything was fine. Except the nauseous feeling but I thought it was food-poisoning or something. But today, when I'd tried my dress on (a big doll dress, white lace for my coming out party) and the zipper got stuck. First I thought it was just the newness, but the fact was that the dress didn't fit anymore. Then, when I thought about it, I realised I'm two weeks late and now I don't know what to do! I haven't seen Chris since he went to Europe with his parents, a couple of weeks ago. Right after my major-freak-out the last time I wrote he came by to say he was going to Europe the next day 'cause his dad's best friend's brother died or something, and apparently they couldn't go without him. Anyway, they decided to visit more countries and I haven't spoken to him since then. He's lucky though: he don't have to go to school. But I miss him and I really need to talk to him dammit! Emily and Richard are sooo gonna freak out! That's not the awful part. The awful part is that I can't be a mom! I'm fifteen, and in a month I'll be sixteen. And then? I'll ruin my own life, my child's life, Christopher's life. Not exactly looking forward to it!_

_I'll just buy a pregnancy test. Maybe it's not true, it's just a funny coincidence that I'm getting fat but not gaining weight, that I'm late, and that I'm craving apples. Well, the apple-craving mystery is solved if I'm pregnant, so I don't have to claim myself crazy. _

_I'm going to the shop today._

_---------_

_I couldn't do it. I walked in the story, looked at the shelve where the tests were and walked away. What if someone would have seen me? My parents would know immediately. And what if I did take the test and the result would be positive? Or negative?_

_Now I'm really confused. Of course I don't wanna have a baby; I'm 15 for god's sake! But somewhere… we can grow up together, be best friends. Great, now I'm thinking it should be a girl. What 'it'? I'm not even sure IF I'm pregnant! Yeah of course, I'm pregnant. Every sign is there. But maybe It's a pseudo pregnancy! What if? Then I won't have a baby. Everything would be normal. NO! Nothing is ever gonna be normal! What am I doing here, I wanna have more then this life. I want a real life, with real friends. And I want to work for my money, not just be married and sit home day by day, gossip about who knows who, and to fill my evenings with three lovers around. _

_I have to sleep._

How long until she'll make a pro-con list? It's like she's ripped in two. She doesn't want to be a mother, duh, but on the other side: she already loves the baby. I can see the teardrops on the paper, she really needed to talk to someone back then. If she only had my parents as hers, she could talk to them. And they would've loved her, that's for sure. Perseverance and independence: the two qualities my father loved the most in people. And my mother loved the smart and funny ones. Lorelai was all that. They would've respected her.

_March, 1983_

_I'm pregnant. The strip turned pink and that's my destiny. How am I going to tell Chris about this? He's coming back this week, and he has the right to know. I really have no idea how I'm going to resolve this, but I know one thing: my baby isn't going to grow up here. I'll take her (or him, but it's going to be her. I call it 'female intuition') to a small place with friendly people who will love her. _

_First thing that I must do tomorrow is going to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy, 'cause that is about what they do in movies when they think they're pregnant: they ask the doctor to confirm it. I just hope they don't use long needles, those ones are scary. _

_Seven days to think about what I'm gonna say to Christopher…_

Well I must say: she has a great female intuition. And no one could love Rory more than the residents of Stars Hollow, so she picked the right place. I wonder how Christopher is gonna take the news…

_March 20, 1983_

_The doctor confirmed it, I'm pregnant. Shock shock, surprise surprise. Five days until Chris is coming back._

_March 25, 1983_

_In my head I've already written three different goodbye-letters. Chris is back. Chris has another girlfriend. An hour ago I went to his house, 'cause I saw the lights on. I climbed in a tree (just like always) and when I looked in the window, I saw Chris, in his bedroom, on top of a blonde Barbie. So I turned around and went home. I don't think Chris saw me._

_Suicide looks like the best way to end my problems, who would miss me? Well, maybe my parents, but if they know that I'm pregnant, they'll see the good points in it. And Chris wouldn't feel guilty about cheating. AND I don't have the chance to ruin my child's life. _

_I can do this! I'm Lorelai Gilmore for god's sake! I can do it without… him… Or without anybody. I'll give the child a good life, a happy life, even without money. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. Maybe. _

Jerk! If you have someone like Lorelai, you don't cheat. I wouldn't. Has she ever forgiven him? Does Rory know? This probably had a big effect on her self-confidence? This is just so not-Lorelai. Talking about suicide! She can always handle everything. Maybe this was just a phase, but still: has she changed? If she hadn't had Rory and something horrible happened, would she still be so… scared? I don't know if that's a good description.

_April 19, 1983_

_Everybody notices a change in me. They all ask me why I'm talking so much more now, and why I'm so sarcastic. "I don't know", every time my answer is: "I don't know". Of course I know: if I'm quiet people will start asking questions, like why I'm fatter or why I look so tired. Or why I'm drinking so much coffee. I can't tell them that without coffee I'll die, or just fall asleep. I'm sooo tired, I haven't slept more than a hour a night for weeks. And I know: coffee is bad for the baby, but I figured that it's bad for the baby when I die too. _

_It's now 23 days ago that I broke up with Christopher. He still doesn't know about the baby, and I see him daily making out in front of his locker, every week a new girl. I just want to kill him. How am I going to tell my child that her father (or his, it's still not official which sex the baby has) is the worlds greatest jackass? And I want to know who her father is. And I just want to sleep! I can't do this: I'm the world's largest failure. My grades are… bad. And I don't have contact with my parents accept when we fight. And I lost a lot of weight, but I can see my stomach growing everyday. _

_Tomorrow I'll skip school and take a sleeping pill, 'cause this isn't gonna work. _

Coffee was her remedy? Well, she did survive, so it worked. Still: it's a wonder that Rory is so healthy. You'll have a bad base if your mother hasn't slept or ate in her first moths of pregnancy and she drank a lot of coffee

And wow: she started to talk a lot because she wanted to hide her – well – personal situation. Is that still why she talk so much, or is it just normal for her now? I must ask her that someday.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary:** Lorelai gives Luke her diary. He has to understand who she is, and how she becomes. Maybe they will be able to make up. (They're not together; never been. Doesn't set in a particular season)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything, and you all know it, so I don't have to spill more words about this subject.

**Author's Note:** Chapter 5! It's not so long, sorry for that. I wanted to update it today, so it didn't get to a beta, but I think you can understand it and that's the point. I'll replace the chapter when someone looked after the grammar.

Anyway, this chapter included the birthday of Lorelai. To me its kind of fun to write it today, because it's my 16th birthday to. I'm so jealous of the people in the US, they can drive! I've to wait two more years…

Well anyway: enjoy reading and go easy on me, 'cause I love reviews, but can't deal with only a "you suck"-comment and nothing more. If I suck, tell me why and give me advice to do better!

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**Chapter 5**

_May 5, 1983_

_It's been a while ago… Well, I'm back and I feel much better then a couple of weeks ago! I've found the perfect balance between school, morning sickness, sleeping pills and coffee to live a normal live again. The morning sickness was kind of a problem in the beginning: I wake up around 6 o'clock and puke until eleven. Before every class I go to the bathroom and do that finger-in-throat thing until I have to puke, and then I can live trough class. Well, most of the time anyway. And I don't take breakfast 'cause… duh. Anyway, I'll probably start to show within a month, so I wear sometimes large clothes and sometimes small ones, but I phase the small ones out slowly. That way nobody will notice a big clothing-change. _

_I know I have to talk to Chris about my baby, I want him to see his child grow up. I'm just waiting for a good moment. If there is something like that for this news… Right now_ _I'm just huddled in the corner eating my hair and writing in my diary._

Finger-in-the-throat thing: Liz did that for awhile. But she did it to be thin, and for the attention she got. I can't imagine Lorelai would ever do something so desperate. Yes, I understand why but still… Well, the past is the past. She really thought about that clothing-thing. Liz didn't do that, and the change was very obvious. Well, how much I love Liz, I already knew Lorelai is smarter.

_May 16, 1983_

_Boys can be so stupid! He just came to my house, and said he wanted me back, that he only kissed all those girls to make me so jealous that I would come back to him, and that he loved me. That that one girl was a mistake - he was drunk that night. Yeah, like that's a excuse. Of course I don't want him back, I can't be with someone who once cheated on me! If you love someone, you think of that person all the time, even drunk. I know I did. Well, I knew it was the opportunity to tell him about the baby, so I did. He didn't take it to well I guess, 'cause after a few "Oh my god!"s he bolted, looking like he just saw a ghost. I know that under normal conditions I would be upset (however, under normal conditions I wouldn't be in this situation) but I just saw Christopher, the pathetic 16-years old boy he was. I didn't expect something else._

She's emotionally exhausted, she just don't care about anything. This is a Lorelai I don't know: she just see everything with a humourless, sarcastic smile. She's so strong, so grown-up. The last thing to describe the Lorelai I know is 'grown-up'. But I have to say that Lorelai is enough grown-up to live and take care of Rory, how much I disapprove with her junk food love.

_May 18, 1983_

"_I guess we should get married". I think that one is on my list of 'top 10 of most stupid sentences I've heard'. We've broken up, what meant that we aren't together anymore, and we should get married? Where's the dating part. Even the making-up sex? Like I would want that, I don't want to get married to a boy who broke my heart. So I've told him no, but I also told that I wanted him to have a role in the baby's life. She has to know her father. Oh by the way: the doctor told me I gonna have a baby-girl! So sweet! I have to start thinking about names!_

_But back to the subject: I've dismissed Christopher romantic proposal, who'd take place on the hallway in school, before biology. My heart melt. _

_Chris and I agreed that we'll wait before telling the parent: he take his parents, I take mine. Ever._

The nerve of some people is absolutely outstanding. She told something about not telling her parents that she was pregnant until her eight month, but I think she was exaggerating. I hope she was exaggerating.

_May 30, 1983_

_It's my 16th birthday and I'm lying in my bed and write in my diary. What happened? Another fight with Emily and Richard of course. I can't help that the pate smelled like Clorox? But of course I was supposed to shut up, I didn't want to, mom yelled, I yelled, and now I'm here. Life is a vicious circle. Good thing that I'm not really alone right now, inside of me is a little human who can celebrate with me. (I know, not really, but what the hell I'm sad). I'm now four months pregnant and I can see the changes in my body. My breasts are fuller and more sensitive, and I think I can see a little bit belly. I think it's gonna be time to skip fully over to the large clothes. Well, happy birthday to me, no cute clothes anymore. Well, for at least five more months, and after that I must get my figure back…_

That's right! Did Lorelai Gilmore sport to get her figure back? Cause right now she has a great figure - flat stomach, tiny waist. I can't imagine Lorelai sport, I can remember her play one 'sport': Yoga. Well the known as the failure where she broke her leg. I would love to take her out and play baseball, that would be a good laugh.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary:** Lorelai gives Luke her diary. He has to understand who she is, and how she becomes. Maybe they will be able to make up. (They're not together; never been. Doesn't set in a particular season)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything, and you all know it, so I don't have to spill more words about this subject.

**Author's Note:** Chapter 6 is up, and man, I haven't updated in a long time. Thanks all who have reviewed, and enjoy reading this chapter. I really want to go to the time where Rory is 16 and follow the episodes a little bit. But on the other hand: I've got a few other story's in my head, and very little time to write. So I don't know when the next chapter would be up, somewhere between now and two weeks I guess.

* * *

**Chapter 6**

_April 15, 1983_

_My mother called a fat-farm today. I didn't think Emily Gilmore would be so naïve. I'm really wondering if she haven't the slightest clue in the world what is going on with me? After all; she was pregnant before if you have to believe the pictures. And dad is always working and he's having the worst mood lately. You know, if you put mom and dad together and part them in two you'll have the perfect parents: Richard a little interference and Emily a little laxism. It's a nice dream._

_I haven't spoken much to Christopher, he seems to be scared of me. At this point I don't even care anymore, and I must say: it feels good. I sleep normal, without medications, and since I don't have morning-sickness anymore I can eat breakfast normal. I'll figure my life out, and make sure my kid will have a different life than me. That's a noble idea isn't it? _

_Today I had a doctors appointment. I must say: every time I see my girl on the ultrasound I feel warm inside. I already love her, and the doctor said that he sees that different with pregnant girls of my age. See, even in this part I'm special! I'm gonna be Supermommy! Or Wondermommy, 'cause Wonderwoman is cool, but Superwoman don't exist. Superman does, but Superwoman don't. Must be a man who invented that. _

_Oh by the way, my parents are planning a trip again, for the summer, and I have to go with them… Life is hilarious! I'll let the dream live for a while, until I can't hide it anymore._

And hello Lorelai who I know. Strong, full of humour, independence. But, for gods sake, who's the real Lorelai? The girl, or woman, who hide herself under a bunch of humour, or the one who is the best of her class, kind of serious, but loveable. A sort Rory. Wow, maybe, if Rory wasn't educated with thousand warnings a day about pregnancies, she could've been Lorelai. Maybe. Hard to imagine, the only teenage mother I really know in her teenage years is Liz, and she was fucked up even before she was pregnant. Very different persons, and I love them for that.

_May 2, 1983_

"_Mom, Dad, I'm pregnant." Simple sentence, but I just can't form the words in front of them. I just can see them react, and it's not gonna be "Jeez Lorelai, congratulations. I'm so happy I'm gonna be a grandparent." Who can blame them, I screw up big this time. Never thought I would be one of those girls without a future, family or friends. Its just so damn hard alone; no Chris – who was my friend even before this shit – no other 'friends', because they are so fucking stupid with all the fucking jokes and every day partying and I don't know… I just can't imagine that I used to be them, but now I don't go with the group, I'm out. So bye-bye Pam, Mitchell, Liza and all the freakin' people I spend for years most of my time with. _

_My days are filled with school, sleep and homework. I want to finish my year before I drop out, so I work hard and when 'it's out' I'm gonna ask for the tests to make them earlier. That way I have a basis, and maybe, just maybe, I can go somewhere else to school. In another town. Where nobody knows me or my history. Or where they respect my history. I've read an article once about small towns, and that they're all friendly. Like family. I want to live there, or in a big, big city. Because there's total privacy, and that's not bad either. _

_Time to think about some nice things: I've been thinking about names and this is my top five:_

_Emma – It's a simple, yet beautiful name. And I don't know anybody who's called that way._

_Micha – I once, when I was about six I guess, read a book about Micha, who was sweet and kind and strong, and did whatever she wanted. I want my kid to be that way._

_Nicky – It's a strong name, for a kid with abilities. _

_Natalie – Without the 'h' it's not so occurring, but it's still girly. _

_Kathy – Sweet, the name Kathy does me think of a beautiful baby-girl. _

_Claudia – Good name for a smart kid I guess. And I don't know any other names._

_Pretty cool names, isn't it? Thought so. But I still have four months to decide. Jeez, four months. Seems like a eternity! _

It seems the small town has won. Now she lives in Stars Hollow, where 9.973 people knows her history. But they all respect it. Well, except Mrs. Kim maybe, but even she thinks of Lorelai as a strong woman.

And man, imagine Rory as a Emma, or Micha, or all the other names. Glad she's a Lorelai Leigh, Emma Leigh Gilmore sounds like hell.

_May 15, 1983_

_Dad was so proud when the headmaster called him to say that I'm so into school lately. It was the first time since, well, Mrs. Demaski said that I could skip a year of 1st grade cause I could already read, that he said he was proud at me. And now I feel like crap, because I have to disappoint him. _

_Mom is a weekend to the spa, so its very peaceful around home. And I have somebody to talk to, because if mom's here I can't talk to the maid. ("They don't want you to talk to them Lorelai, let them work!") Wrong Mother! They don't like it if you yell at them, talking is fine. Well, talking with Felicia anyway, I don't know about all the others. I even help her, 'cause when my child is born and we live at our own home I have to do it all myself, so I guess this is a good practise. I did have to promise not to tell my parents that I help 'the maid', cause they'll get a stroke. And then I have to give birth in prison, so you see the "don't tell them"-point. It will be a task on itself to tell them subtle that I'm pregnant. _

Lorelai Gilmore cleaning. Weird picture. Sure, she was a maid in de Independence Inn, but I think she hasn't cleaned since that. Well, not so much anyway. I've found the crumbs under the closets when I fixed them.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary: **Lorelai gives Luke her diary. He has to understand who she is, and how she becomes. Maybe they will be able to make up. (They're not together; never been. Doesn't set in a particular season)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything, and you all know it, so I don't have to spill more words about this subject.

**Author's Note:** I present you: Chapter 7! Involved the talk with Emily and Richard.

Thanks everybody for the reviews! _TopBanana_, yeah I know I should work on my grammar. And believe me; I'm getting better at it. I just hate to send it to a grammar, I just want to update so fast as possible after I wrote it. I'll send a couple of them at the same time I guess. All the others _(javarox, ProFfeSseR, Muffin Is Injured, gilmoregirlsfanatic, orangesherbert7, JoEySaNgEl1534 and Javamaniac_) thanks for reviewing too!

* * *

**Chapter 7**

_June 4, 1983_

_I told them. And I have to say, they've never look smaller to me than a couple hours ago._

"_Mom, dad, can I speak to you for a moment?"_

_-"Of course Lorelai"_

"_Not in here, it's more a living room talk."_

_So, we went to the living room; they on the couch, I took a chair. 'Cause you know, if they would attack me or shot me down, I would be on the safe side._

"_O-okay, you have to promise that you let me finish until I'm done talking and, umh, well: maybe you've noticed that I'm a little d-d-different the last few months 'cause you know, higher grades, tired face – things like that. Well it a-appeared…" (Yeah I thought I throw some big words in it, is always good!)_

_- "Don't stutter Lorelai!" (Damn, which part of 'don't talk until I'm finished talking' don't they understand?')_

"…_that I'm kind of pregnant. And yes I know I'm sixteen and I'm sorry for bringing this scandal in your perfect life, but I'm gonna be a mother in a couple of months and I'm sorry and well you know, when Caroline found out in that movie that she was pregnant and – never mind you don't see movies – anyway her parents took it very good and they live happy ever after and she was just fifteen but she'd make a very nice life and… Well you know…"_

_Yeah, I was kind of babbling and I talked very fast and its followed by a awkward silence, where they look like they had a heart attack, both, and all I wanted to do was run away, but I guessed that I better could go on with it. It was by the way very stupid of me to bring up a movie, 'cause just because I kill time to watch many, many movies, don't mean they do. I doubt if my father ever has seen a movie in his life, and my mother definitely didn't see the movies I see. I hope. Anyway, I was talking about an awkward silence, so here's the awkward silence:_

_awkward silence _

"_Mom? Dad? You can say something now?"_

_-"How far along are you?" Typical Richard, just gather the facts._

"_Ummh… Six months."_

_-"SIX MONTHS? SIX MONTHS AND YOU DON'T TELL US?" And yes, that's typical Emily. Just yell if something isn't going as planned._

"_Yup."_

_-"Who's the father? Do you even know who the father is?" I have to tell, when my own mother is looking at me like I'm a hooker, it really hurts..!_

"_Of course I know who the father is! What do you think I am? A slut?"_

_-"Well at this point I don't think very high of you, young lady. Well, who is he?"_

"_Christopher. Yes mom, dad, precious Christopher is the father! And right now he's talking to his own parents, so NO you can't talk to him!"_

_-"We will discuss this later, with Straub and Francine. We will bring up a solution for this problem. Now, go upstairs Lorelai, I don't want to see you until we have talked to the Hayden's."_

_And with that the conversation was over. Can't wait for the sequel. Chris' parents will be here any minute, so I guess we'll be eavesdropping later. I know how it will went: Straub and Francine will blame me and say that I should get rid of it, Richard and Emily will say that we must get married. I don't do either. Oh great, the doorbell rings. Let the party started…_

You can NOT look at your daughter like a slut. It's your own flesh and blood dammit! Who are those people? Sure, it can't be easy for them, but as a parent you have to support your child, doesn't matter how screwed up they are. And Lorelai wasn't screwed up, she just made a mistake. A big mistake: okay. But not the worst mistake ever. It's not like she'd killed someone, although it had to take effort not to kill her parents. Heartless people. Some people shouldn't have children, and I believe that many people in that snob-society should have been castrated. Or at least, what I heard from Lorelai about the people there. They can't be all bad. And actually, I'm kind of sure they love her, or at least Rory. Who can't love those two?

_June 5, 1983_

_Just like I'd expected. Francine was crying, Straub angry. And of course not of our live, but just because of people would say. Francine suggested that I should send away 'to places who take people like me'. Mom surprised me that she kind of defend me with a "Girls like what, Francine?" and a "Choose your words extremely carefully, Straub." Oh, she sounded evil. Well, Straub was as the devil, 'cause, like I expected, he didn't see why Chris should sacrifice anything just because I'm pregnant. Well, he shouldn't. He's free to go, but I still want him to be a part in my daughters life. He is her father after all; otherwise we would have that conversation with other, maybe more human, people… Anyway, my dad came up with 'the great solution', what involved marrying and Chris working at my fathers business. And Straub thought Chris should be in school, and I'm agreeing with that, but of course: if I can't be in school, Chris can't either. That's the logic of parents. _

_Ugh, they just talked like that, about our lives, without us. And the freaking stupidest thing was: Christopher said that it sounded sensible! We'd talked about it; it's a big, fat NO! And on this; my word is law. This is my thing – and a little bit of Christopher, but if I don't want to, I'm not doing it. I'm old and wise enough to make my own decisions, and yes, I know that this wasn't my best decision, but things are how they are. And I think that I'm gonna love this mistake, just not right now when everyone is nagging on my head._

_By the way, I'm speaking about 'it' as I'm talking to Christopher about the baby, 'cause that's my secret. Nobody will know de sex of my baby except me and the doctor. It makes me feel so much better. Don't know why, but it does. _

Get rid of Rory? Live will not be the same. I can't imagine Lorelai without a daughter - my life without Lorelai and Rory. Lorelai is such a mother in the last couple of sentences; she loved Rory even when she was six moths pregnant and weirded out by a fight, hormones and being sixteen.

I never met those parents of Christopher, but I think it's safe to say that I didn't miss much. It's just such a different with my parents. Well, with my dad, 'cause when Liz was pregnant my mother wasn't alive anymore.

Damn, it 2 o'clock in the morning right now, and I'm still reading. Wonder what Lorelai's doing right now; probably she's sleeping like every sane people. Or maybe she's thinking about me reading her diary. She said she wanted me to know her… Well, I definitely learned a lot about her, let's see: I know why she can't get along with her parents, I know why she's addicted to coffee, and I know that she become movie-addicted when she killed time. I still don't get why I should freak out, but apparently I'm not in 'the later part'.


	8. AN

**Author's Note (damn)**

I've decided to not go on with this story for the time being, just for the simple reasons that I don't have a clue in hell where to write about, and because I hate the OOC-ness of Luke. I really know almost every character in Gilmore Girls – I know every episode from detail to detail. That's why it's so frustrating that I can't get Luke on paper.

So just give me tips: email, pm, review, send them in smoke signals, track me down and send letters, sing them in a song, anything. Hmm that doesn't make sense, but you've gotten the message.

Until the update, read my future one-shots or short stories!

GilmoreJunkieJavaGirls


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